I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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