I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
In America we eat man semen.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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