whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
