my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
