I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
