I skipped work to stalk him.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
