Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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