Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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