your thong is hanging out like whoa
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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