ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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