can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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