I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
