Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
