im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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