I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
