I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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