You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
