Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
