I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
