There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
