Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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