Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
