Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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