The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
