A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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