the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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