I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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