Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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