so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
