Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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