Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
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