Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
