The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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