well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Randomize
