You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
