the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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