jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
