I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
