Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
