I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
