Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize