I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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