Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
