How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize