i already hear my dad disowning me
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
