Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
