God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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