Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
