Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
