She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
