my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
