Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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