That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
