Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
