i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize