I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
