Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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