He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
