That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
